YAY we're BACK on ---- >>> need you always. thank you endlessly.
there were TWO ROADS TO THE FUTURE.
And a young girl with hair like the sun, and eyes like deep water, will have to face the roads alone and she will have to choose her own path --CHOOSING THE RIGHT ROAD WILL TAKE GREAT COURAGE -- For in order to chose wisely she will have to be encouraged. And, in order to choose the correct path will require courage. For it will take the utmost courage to decide on the right road. Even more, it will take her supreme courage to follow the right passageway.
On the wrong path the girl will be led to increasing weaknesses and eventual destruction. On the other road, the right path, the girl will be led to increasing strength and a bright and brilliant future.
There will be signs that will warn her not to stray. She will be told that the one who stands at the crossroads for too long, will have a choice forced upon them, and it will be the wrong choice. For her, hesitating will not be an option, because it will lead her into ruin. She shall know the wrong path because she will feel the confusion and disorientation pouring fourth from its way. If she chooses to stand in the shadows of the wrong road for too long it will be too late for her.
As she looks at both roads, in order to make her decision, one will appear difficult to manage and uninviting. And, the other will seem easy and appealing. It is only an impression. And, she will need to realize that looks and appearances are ultimately deceiving.
Ironically, the right path will be very dark, rocky, and narrow. And, she will have to climb this road past a steep crest on her own. Alone, it will be nearly impossible to choose this so-called right road. Unless she is in a state of great encouragement and confidence she could falter. She cannot weaken. She cannot be in a depressed position.
She will never choose the right road if she cannot regain her vision, her confidence, and her resolve to move quickly.
All the while, on her crossing, the world will be watching her. Even her seemingly small and insignificant steps will have a great effect on all those around her.
She shall realize that action and decisiveness are critical to her recovery.
She will need encouragement. She will use all that she has done in the past, her every struggle just to get to this point, and she will be told that her that her future could be even greater by those around her. She could go further than any nation or empire has ever gone before. If you see her speak to her of her bright future--she desperately needs vision. There is yet the hope that she will take the right road, far far away, but it will be a long journey and a sweeping trek. There will not be much time to waste and her every second counts starting today. At any moment the wrong choice could be forced upon her if she does not move forward and move quickly to begin the grand voyage ahead of her.
Am I the Moon?
Hope, expectation, Bright promises.
"The Moon is magic and mystery - you know that nothing is, as it seems,”
“The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is scary in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a sign of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trials; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition,"
I know there is so much unused creativeness and originality inside all of me and all this madness (the madness that is me) ... but it's so hard to get to. When I was younger I didn’t have the same passion or experience or calling and now that I’m older I have the desire and the mission but I lack the energy and the confidence to go after it. I feel like there is a fountain inside my body with an abundant water source but I’m lost as to how to get to the well. I don't have the drill to get to the water I need. I daydream all the time, about what "it will be like" what "I will be like" once this struggle part has ended. How I will react, how I will be inspired, and how I will inspire. How I will be playful and flexible. How I will be active and dynamic again. I dream to be on the go again. I play inside a fantasy that has yet to see the light of day, and now I'm getting closer to being scared (beyond scared) that even if I do have the power to tap into my "great creativity" that it's passing me by too quickly. And, when I finally do muster up the energy to get going I'm fearful that I won't have the right tools to use.
I have been through a hard patch of emotional and mental trials for an extended time - it's adding up to several years. So, when am I going to own up and decide that my emotional and mental trials are just part of my ADULT life and decide that they aren’t going to go away. If I let them side track me any longer I'd be living in my ignorant past.
I want to go with my gut instinct. I want to trust myself. It's like I see the future really clearly but I'm paralyzed to become a part of it.
There is nothing better to do with your time than become who you’ve always wanted to be.
it doesnt matter how many times you begin again.
it only matters that you begin again.
Psychologists call my approach to life (or my approach to my eating disorder): the abstinence-violation effect. It is a harsh all-or-nothing attitude about our behavior (or in my case my ed). The more we hold ourselves to this rigid standard, the more we abuse ourselves. Apparently it isn't because I am weak or undisciplined but instead because I give into self-sabotage easily. It takes mental preparation, self-awareness, and lots of practice to make a change and create new behaviors in life - six to nine months brain scientist say.
To bad my mentality doesn’t allow room for failure or mistakes. I’d rather fuck the whole lot up then start something and decide I’m not good enough to finish it. Perfectionism is overrated, so when I got sick of always aiming for better and closer to perfect I just became straight up idle and discouraged and then NOTHING changed.
No matter what when I wake up I still have bulimia
Besides the fact that last night I had serious re-discoveries that bulimia is playing a HUGE part in my do-nothing, achieve-nothing, go-nowhere current phase of life. Besides the fact that bulimia IS the MAIN reason I have no money in my checking account or my savings account. Besides the fact that I typically go to bed truly hoping things will be different in life and that maybe I’ll start having something to SHOW for new motivation.
Besides all these things when I wake up I am still dehydrated, hungry, starving, in pain because I am so empty, and already questioning what I can eat/binge/purge and when I can do it.
No matter that I have depleted ALL my $ yet again.
No matter that yesterday I spent close to $125 on BINGING.
(At least it’s $125 divided by 2 people)(I’m only justifying it here)
No matter that I'm a 22 year old girl (22 and a half on April 30th)
... with NO responsibilities.
No matter that my mom pays my rent, my car note
... and I don't have a cell phone.
No matter that I am as far away from my goals and dreams as ever
... and it's been MORE that 2 years.
No matter that I have very little to call my own
... including my own place or car.
No matter if I slept for 9 hours last night.
No matter that I am 102.8 pounds today.
No matter that today is the day I’d like to make changes.
I’m still bulimic.
I’m still poverty stricken by my own choices.
I've still lost 2 important years of my life for nothing.
I’m still lost for direction.
I’m still waiting
… but for WHAT
No matter what I still hope today will be the day.
NO MATTER WHAT I decide, discover, admit to myself, and put my heart into at night.... When I wake up I am still an anorexic girl with bulimia.
I want to paint my face
and pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even wanna look at myself
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I am slowly falling apart
Sometimes I find myself shaking
But people have problems that are worse than mine
"It's hard for me to concentrate on any one thing for even a short amount of time, which in turn makes me very upset with myself for not doing things. It comes on slowly, like drops of water from a faucet that gradually fills your body until you are saturated with feelings of sadness and worthlessness. Inevitably I become a recluse, sleep excessively, and cry, cry, cry,"
What is depression again? Is this it? Do I go ahead, act with bravery, and call out my life as failed and very off balance? Do I admit defeat? Do I seek help? Do I look myself in the mirror and truly question, "So what the FUCK are you doing? What the FUCK are you going to do about this life of yours," or do I stay strong shrug it all off and just say I can do this alone - fuck your weaknesses?
Last night: 430am finally finish purging. Wash face. Drink laxative tea. Down 2 cap fulls of (the ever potent) liquid Tylenol PM (which in turn knocks me on my ass). Brush teeth. Put on eye mask.
Today: Roll over (still very groggy) at 1030am. Go back to sleep. Roll out of bed at 100pm. Pull on swimsuit. Lay outside in the sun for a while. Sleep in the sun.
So that much sleep is pushing it, right? Sleep is good - but too much sleep is putting off your life. Because you don't feel like figuring out a new fucking road mad. Because the road your on now isn't fabulous and fantastic, it a little too late to believe this is the dream you're living.
Have you ever "found sleep such a blanketing drug that nothing - not food, or a bellyfull of pee, not the glaring California sun scalding my face - could rouse me,"? My answer is both yes and no ... sleep it a'int the answer and eventually I did get myself up and even get to the gym for 2 hours. And picked up the dry cleaning. Read 284 pages of the massive VOGUE I’ve yet to tackle and thus far no b/p. It’s not like I’m proud and it sure ain’t like I’m happy. More than anything I’m just starving. But, when my answer to not knowing where the fuck to begin and what the fuck to do with my life right now is sleep then that has got to be depression. Because when I'm asleep I don't have to question what is going on here.