Weak Bones Speaks

kittykittenlane @ 2009-08-24T23:01:00

2009-08-25T04:02:37Z

YAY we're BACK on ---- >>> need you always. thank you endlessly.

Once Upon A Time ...

2007-04-14T05:43:41Z

there were TWO ROADS TO THE FUTURE.
And a young girl with hair like the sun, and eyes like deep water, will have to face the roads alone and she will have to choose her own path --CHOOSING THE RIGHT ROAD WILL TAKE GREAT COURAGE -- For in order to chose wisely she will have to be encouraged. And, in order to choose the correct path will require courage. For it will take the utmost courage to decide on the right road. Even more, it will take her supreme courage to follow the right passageway.

On the wrong path the girl will be led to increasing weaknesses and eventual destruction. On the other road, the right path, the girl will be led to increasing strength and a bright and brilliant future.

There will be signs that will warn her not to stray. She will be told that the one who stands at the crossroads for too long, will have a choice forced upon them, and it will be the wrong choice. For her, hesitating will not be an option, because it will lead her into ruin. She shall know the wrong path because she will feel the confusion and disorientation pouring fourth from its way. If she chooses to stand in the shadows of the wrong road for too long it will be too late for her.

As she looks at both roads, in order to make her decision, one will appear difficult to manage and uninviting. And, the other will seem easy and appealing. It is only an impression. And, she will need to realize that looks and appearances are ultimately deceiving.

Ironically, the right path will be very dark, rocky, and narrow. And, she will have to climb this road past a steep crest on her own. Alone, it will be nearly impossible to choose this so-called right road. Unless she is in a state of great encouragement and confidence she could falter. She cannot weaken. She cannot be in a depressed position.

She will never choose the right road if she cannot regain her vision, her confidence, and her resolve to move quickly.

All the while, on her crossing, the world will be watching her. Even her seemingly small and insignificant steps will have a great effect on all those around her.

She shall realize that action and decisiveness are critical to her recovery.

She will need encouragement. She will use all that she has done in the past, her every struggle just to get to this point, and she will be told that her that her future could be even greater by those around her. She could go further than any nation or empire has ever gone before. If you see her speak to her of her bright future--she desperately needs vision. There is yet the hope that she will take the right road, far far away, but it will be a long journey and a sweeping trek. There will not be much time to waste and her every second counts starting today. At any moment the wrong choice could be forced upon her if she does not move forward and move quickly to begin the grand voyage ahead of her.

Am I the Moon?

2007-04-01T23:10:09Z

Am I the Moon?

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

"The Moon is magic and mystery - you know that nothing is, as it seems,”

“The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is scary in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a sign of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trials; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition,"

I know there is so much unused creativeness and originality inside all of me and all this madness (the madness that is me) ... but it's so hard to get to. When I was younger I didn’t have the same passion or experience or calling and now that I’m older I have the desire and the mission but I lack the energy and the confidence to go after it. I feel like there is a fountain inside my body with an abundant water source but I’m lost as to how to get to the well. I don't have the drill to get to the water I need. I daydream all the time, about what "it will be like" what "I will be like" once this struggle part has ended. How I will react, how I will be inspired, and how I will inspire. How I will be playful and flexible. How I will be active and dynamic again. I dream to be on the go again. I play inside a fantasy that has yet to see the light of day, and now I'm getting closer to being scared (beyond scared) that even if I do have the power to tap into my "great creativity" that it's passing me by too quickly. And, when I finally do muster up the energy to get going I'm fearful that I won't have the right tools to use.

I have been through a hard patch of emotional and mental trials for an extended time - it's adding up to several years. So, when am I going to own up and decide that my emotional and mental trials are just part of my ADULT life and decide that they aren’t going to go away. If I let them side track me any longer I'd be living in my ignorant past.

I want to go with my gut instinct. I want to trust myself. It's like I see the future really clearly but I'm paralyzed to become a part of it.

Reminder to self:

2007-04-01T04:38:26Z

There is nothing better to do with your time than become who you’ve always wanted to be.

determined.

2007-03-27T01:48:40Z

it doesnt matter how many times you begin again.

it only matters that you begin again.

but i am undisciplined these days.

2007-03-27T01:27:54Z

Psychologists call my approach to life (or my approach to my eating disorder): the abstinence-violation effect. It is a harsh all-or-nothing attitude about our behavior (or in my case my ed). The more we hold ourselves to this rigid standard, the more we abuse ourselves. Apparently it isn't because I am weak or undisciplined but instead because I give into self-sabotage easily. It takes mental preparation, self-awareness, and lots of practice to make a change and create new behaviors in life - six to nine months brain scientist say.

To bad my mentality doesn’t allow room for failure or mistakes. I’d rather fuck the whole lot up then start something and decide I’m not good enough to finish it. Perfectionism is overrated, so when I got sick of always aiming for better and closer to perfect I just became straight up idle and discouraged and then NOTHING changed.

No matter what

2007-03-26T18:41:03Z

No matter what when I wake up I still have bulimia
Besides the fact that last night I had serious re-discoveries that bulimia is playing a HUGE part in my do-nothing, achieve-nothing, go-nowhere current phase of life. Besides the fact that bulimia IS the MAIN reason I have no money in my checking account or my savings account. Besides the fact that I typically go to bed truly hoping things will be different in life and that maybe I’ll start having something to SHOW for new motivation.
Besides all these things when I wake up I am still dehydrated, hungry, starving, in pain because I am so empty, and already questioning what I can eat/binge/purge and when I can do it.

No matter that I have depleted ALL my $ yet again.
No matter that yesterday I spent close to $125 on BINGING.
(At least it’s $125 divided by 2 people)(I’m only justifying it here)
No matter that I'm a 22 year old girl (22 and a half on April 30th)
... with NO responsibilities.
No matter that my mom pays my rent, my car note
... and I don't have a cell phone.
No matter that I am as far away from my goals and dreams as ever
... and it's been MORE that 2 years.
No matter that I have very little to call my own
... including my own place or car.

No matter if I slept for 9 hours last night.
No matter that I am 102.8 pounds today.
No matter that today is the day I’d like to make changes.

I’m still bulimic.
I’m still poverty stricken by my own choices.
I've still lost 2 important years of my life for nothing.
I’m still lost for direction.
I’m still waiting
… but for WHAT

No matter what I still hope today will be the day.

NO MATTER WHAT I decide, discover, admit to myself, and put my heart into at night.... When I wake up I am still an anorexic girl with bulimia.

am i pretty?

2007-03-20T04:42:46Z

I want to paint my face
and pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even wanna look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
And you might think its easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
in the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go an shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

Hunger to Distract from feeling Lost and Helpless

2007-03-18T05:44:07Z

"It's hard for me to concentrate on any one thing for even a short amount of time, which in turn makes me very upset with myself for not doing things. It comes on slowly, like drops of water from a faucet that gradually fills your body until you are saturated with feelings of sadness and worthlessness. Inevitably I become a recluse, sleep excessively, and cry, cry, cry,"

detached and empty.

2007-03-18T05:40:18Z

What is depression again? Is this it? Do I go ahead, act with bravery, and call out my life as failed and very off balance? Do I admit defeat? Do I seek help? Do I look myself in the mirror and truly question, "So what the FUCK are you doing? What the FUCK are you going to do about this life of yours," or do I stay strong shrug it all off and just say I can do this alone - fuck your weaknesses?

Last night: 430am finally finish purging. Wash face. Drink laxative tea. Down 2 cap fulls of (the ever potent) liquid Tylenol PM (which in turn knocks me on my ass). Brush teeth. Put on eye mask.

Today: Roll over (still very groggy) at 1030am. Go back to sleep. Roll out of bed at 100pm. Pull on swimsuit. Lay outside in the sun for a while. Sleep in the sun.

So that much sleep is pushing it, right? Sleep is good - but too much sleep is putting off your life. Because you don't feel like figuring out a new fucking road mad. Because the road your on now isn't fabulous and fantastic, it a little too late to believe this is the dream you're living.

Have you ever "found sleep such a blanketing drug that nothing - not food, or a bellyfull of pee, not the glaring California sun scalding my face - could rouse me,"? My answer is both yes and no ... sleep it a'int the answer and eventually I did get myself up and even get to the gym for 2 hours. And picked up the dry cleaning. Read 284 pages of the massive VOGUE I’ve yet to tackle and thus far no b/p. It’s not like I’m proud and it sure ain’t like I’m happy. More than anything I’m just starving. But, when my answer to not knowing where the fuck to begin and what the fuck to do with my life right now is sleep then that has got to be depression. Because when I'm asleep I don't have to question what is going on here.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore.

2007-03-14T17:30:09Z

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders depression is made of nine symptoms:

1. A depressed mood
2.a diminished pleasure or interest in most activities
3.signifigant weight loss or weight gain that is unintentional
Or a decrease or increase in appetite
4.insomnia or hypersomnia
5.psychmotor agitation or retardation
6.fatigue or loss of energy
7.feelings of worthlessness
Or excessive or inappropriate guilt
8.diminitive ability to think or concentrate
Or indecisiveness
9.reaccurant thoughts of death
Or suicide

To be given a diagnosis of clinical depression or what is called a Major Depressive Episode a person must show at least five of the symptoms and one of the five must be depressed mood or diminished pleasure or interest.

1. A depressed mood (I’m sitting in front of my heater, waiting to start life).
2. A diminished interest in most activities (I don’t feel like moving ever again).
3. Decrease or increase in appetite (does my fuel for nightly binges and my need for starvation count?).
4. Insomnia or hypersomnia (I fantasize sleeping all day but never do - running on empty?).
5.
6. Loss of energy is my middle name.
7. Worthless: my current state of existence.
8. Indecisiveness is my first name.
9. Sometimes death just seems easier. Death might be simpler than this.

exploring The Pain That I'm Used To ...

2007-03-14T04:55:56Z

I’m reading a really powerful book about depression right now and it’s inspired me to write down my thoughts and whatever this all is I’m experiencing: what better place to do it than in my never used, never fully cared for journal. I think I shall rededicate this journal tonight and put my feelings down and explore what is going on inside so now I’ll know, and you’ll know just how I feel:

I believe, but I’m not certain, that I am in the midst of serious depression. Have I been depressed all this time and just not identified it? I don’t feel like I’m sad all day long every day … sometimes a few sad moments but in all the running around my mood changes back and forth back and forth back and forth. I feel inspired one moment and desperate the next. I feel m pathetic somedays and amazing the next. Some days are sad here and there, sometimes several days in a row and then not at all for a while … so all this is so confusing for me. I do feel like there is a hole in my soul and something is missing. I feel like I have been on pause for 2 full years. Yes, TWO YEARS. Stalled without any progress made. I can’t conceal what I feel although I try. I don’t think it’s healthy to hide it anymore. I feel like I’m a downer to myself and those around me. I never meet my own expectations anymore. In general I never have been too proud of myself because I let myself down too much. So I’ve just about given up on goals or dreams or starting to work for them all together. I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore … so this must be depression.

To Making It Count: This Time There Is No Turning Back

2006-10-21T20:03:22Z

My story keeps growing.
I feel encouraged. And also happy. Finally optimistic. And if truth be told really ready (this time around) for the future (a lot if pressure is upon me to start going again) – for myself, and for my future. It has been so long. I feel less desperate. I feel (almost) fun again. I feel like a person again, maybe close to the person I used to be. I felt as if I’d never feel close to “right” again; I didn’t know if I’d ever move past my own blockades. I felt that my life and future chances of better-ness had escaped me.

It is in fact like a few weeks back something inside of me clicked- from on to off (maybe it is the presence of the ticking time bomb). And now it’s clicked “on” and so is life. There have already been a few exceptional changes in week-to-week life. Ahhh, at long last some progress, I am fulfilled to feel less sick and more alive. Next, I am mainly eager this energy and newfound cheerfulness goes one step further as a motivation to truly do something with my life and make something of my goals.

The simplest answer is to “act” – for me it’s time to act. I have to take me beginning of mental wellness and make it into physical activity. I have a purpose and not a choice.
The simplest answer is to “act”

i've been waiting; i think i'm gonna make a move

2006-09-17T03:32:12Z

I am shocked. That’s all, I am shocked …

Typically positive I am not ... and “I’ve been a good girl” days - i didn't do it, I got past the b/p urges ... yeah that is not me,and well those days just deprive and aggravate me, I typically revel in my bulimia sure – it can be the miracle ED … but more often I despise my ED overall because it has set me in a world where I am NEVER SATISFIED always feel ALONE and constantly feel DIFFERENT that my own peers … THAT IS BRUTAL … for me it is not always fun, it is depressing and HARD AS HELL to keep surviving in a world where I feel like there is no place for me in normality.

BBBBBUUUUUUUTTTTTT today I escaped my binge monster!!! It wanted to attack me, all afternoon - all morning too - all evening it was stalking me! My binge monster devil fucker was chasing me. I woke up at 8am (only to realize I hadn’t taken my nightly laxative tea because I passed out after an intense b/purge) and my first feeling was, “WELL FUCK IT,” I’ve already started the day off poorly I want some cereal and milk!! It’s 8am just go have it,” But instead I drank that nasty shit, escaping the monster … and I went back to bed until 12noon. (No sleep medicine, nothing … just plain and painful willpower)

Then I woke up for a day of college football on TV (which I absolutely hated until last year) the big LSU game followed by USC … I couldn’t wait. Well, right away, all I wanted to accompany Saturday college football games was to feel just as normal as all those fans and kids in the stadiums … pizza, nachos, shitty junk food I WANTED IT ALL … but I escaped my devil monster binge destroyer and at half time I picked up an apple from Whole Foods, some blueberries and a Diet Dr. Pepper instead of Domino’s. I ESCAPED THE BINGE 2x today!! And, I cannot help but say I am proud of myself. It was really hard, and I am really hungry … but I am so proud. Recently, I never EVER escape … and I did it man. I worked on my collages and I looked through W and Harper’s Bazar, and it was okay today … it was okay.

Well, I just needed to give myself some credit – because today has been very very difficult, and I did it regardless of how much I wanted it all … BOO to the binge devil monster-fucking troll! It’s evil! And my fear of fat, and more shitty days, and regret and wishes for a better future, a hotter body, a toned tummy, a good autumn, my self worth and want for self-confidence again and a great October this year… these wishes feel/felt closer today that farther away.
I've been waiting, for a long long long long long long long long long long time to feel back on my own track.

kittykittenlane @ 2006-09-16T20:29:00

2006-09-17T03:29:29Z

I am in the middle of some sort of personal ED path that I cannot decipher.
It is confusion and I try to access it myself all the time:

I am trying to kick my bulimia's own silly ass. BOO bulimia, I love that I can dispose of bad binge foods with it, but I hate that it owns my life. I hate it, usually, I don't want to be controlled by it anymore, it is evil, disgusting, devious and it has been an awful year for me side my side with my bulimia ... why should I want it hanging around anymore!!?? Get it out of here!

But, I am without question keeping my other secret. It sucks, I hate it, but it is the absolute truth: I’m do not believe I will ever NOT BE anorexic. I know that it is sad - and I do not like this secret hunger, hunger for life, and the denial of having it because I’d rather starve myself into oblivion. But, I have been on the other side now, and I hate it too. I don't enjoy normality, and I don't enjoy weight gain, and I don’t enjoy bulimia. I do think the standards I hold body-wise will not change (I have always wanted/idolized one type of body: skinny and hot … skinny skinny skinny and hot since I was a little girl) and to achieve such body standards thus far in my personal experience and life there was only one answer: anorexia. So, although I hope this ED loosens its grip on my life I do believe it will forever be part of me, as I try to tweak and adjust it's severity so that I can life a "more normal" and more "healthy" life than I have been, but all the while anorexia in tow too ... idk, that's just the truth

And I do need therapy ... seriously. In order to recover I need to be honest about my disease, and dissect just why I keep it or even care, who do I do this for and why do I have this, and why I’d ever want it in the first place

kittykittenlane @ 2006-08-27T19:11:00

2006-08-28T02:36:31Z

Mmm ... today was.... weird, unexpected ... different? Was this a good day? Or, was this a bad day? I can't even figure it out. Sundays are usually my 'gear up to kick ass' day’, my I’m approaching Monday put yourself back together day. I find myself trying to have a positive and prepare-thyself day in order to start the week on a good note. If I endure a ‘bad’ Sunday.... ohhh Monday gets only tougher. So, usually I pop up really early and go to the gym, it's like a voodoo hex against the binge mentality. Even if I’m in desperate moods for a greasy, good but very bad morning binge on Sunday, if I can just FORCE myself into the gym, in the daylight, in front of too many happy-pumped up gym personalities, I am inspired not to give in to a binge after wards. Although, it’s annoying. So, typically, I do it.

NOT TODAY. Nope, not today. I passed out at 1:30am craving something to binge (anything!! For the second night in a row) ... rambling on to my sister about eating anything bad, and 'illegal' in my own rule book of - it's past midnight 12am on a Saturday night – which means no more binging. I was talking about who knows what, anything, everything - pizza, cheesy bread, garlic bread, sour cream, tacos burritos, salty chips and salsa, ranch dressing ... anything I wasn't going to actually allow or give myself ... and then without warning I woke up the next morning. Like, whoa, Oops. Lights still on in the living room, makeup still smudged - some concealer, mascara and reminisce of base I’ll regret later when my face breaks out - my nightly tea still sitting on the kitchen counter, and un-brushed teeth.

Nothing to regret, nothing to remember or say ‘mmmm I’m glad I did that,’ No specific happiness to attach to the night, but no sadness either. Instead, I just passed out mid-binge talk. So, what'd I do, I got right up and headed out on a Sunday morning ... not to see the bubbly Sunday gym-ers ... and burn some calories, lose some cellulite. But yes, you heard it to McDonalds. Yea, whatever. I had a small binge, a big purge ... weighed myself, no damage done. Underweight still, just the same. Next, went and got my sleeping sister some lemons for her Master Cleanse, returned the ice cream I’d just bought myself earlier to aid purging McDonald's thick breakfast biscuits and McGriddles ... (good for me, I save $5 dollars) and what did I do? In order to avoid more depressing, guilt-ridden, ‘I should not be doing this’ (although I DESPERATLY WANT TO be doing this) binges I took some sleeping liquid goo stuff, but on my makeshift sleeping mask, drank my nasty laxative tea from the night before, and woke up at 5 50pm.

Sure, right, that's the ticket: avoid the day completely, pretend it never happened, act like it isn't a daylight-filled typical Sunday, pretend it's still nighttime, and get away with murder. That's right, just lull yourself back to sleep, skip Sunday all together, try your hardest to beat bulimia, make sure you're not aware that you're STARVING, wake up full of nothing, get nothing done, have no claims to weekend productivity ... and oooh, you'll get out clean without multiple sad Sunday binges. I'm not sure if I should be proud or depressed? Sure, there weren't a list of receipts and empty grocery store and fast food bags.. Or multiple trips to 7-11 and McDonalds - but I did nothing but sleep, I knocked myself out. Hmmmm this does not FEEL like the answer. Not one bit. And, guess what, I’m hungry. Surprise Surprise.

kittykittenlane @ 2006-08-24T21:05:00

2006-08-25T04:09:42Z

I got shit done today.
And, it feels ... alright, not too bad. I wasn't obsessed with the fact that the 1 ONE and ONLY day off all week was spent without any type of binge (well, atleast i waited until night fall - and i didn't get any 'real' food) ... without treats of bad 'reward' food. instead, i didn't play the sneak game, and run off and buy something on the sly ... instead, i did something i NEVER and i mean NEVER do ... i got my car fixed! SAY WHAT? Yes, me the girl who cares not about my trashed bulimia car ... the one i practically lived in at one point, the one i let run itself shamelessly into the ground with food stains, and spills, and cookie crumbs and ice cream smears ... and plastic bags, and half-eaten nacho chips ... yes that car i spent my day off getting it fixed at the automotive.

And you know what, i realized things could be worse. i could be worse. things aren't all that grand, but they could be worse. atleast i am out now, part of the world again, and it isn't all it's cracked up to be, but it is living life ... again. i should toast myself, or something. i work all week now, and i'm happy to work. surprisinly. things could, without question, be better. but, more than that, things could be worse. i met a woman with cancer, she had no hair, and although she couldn't be skinner ... the woman suffered through cancer. things could be worse. my boss lent me his 'beach car' it's an old ridiculously run down BMW ... he lives in the valley. I don't live in the valley, it took me an hour to commute. i don't commute. i don't even get on the freeways.
things could be worse, i could live in the valley. or have to commute. or have just suffered through cancer.
or ... still be HIDDEN AWAY inside my little cottage apartment, alone, with my obsessive thoughts about food, my starving eyes, my fat ass, my shame, my guilt, my depression, my weak bones and anorexia. my need to binge bad food and then purge violently and stuck instead with my bulimia.

instead, i got shit taken care of, and i didn't complain. and i work all day tomorrow. and it feels alright, i only b/p once today, after my tasks were all filled for the day, i did active things for 7 seven full hours, i slept for 12 twelve the night before .... and my mechanic said i look too skinny, it's been a month or two since i've heard that, i think, from someone who matters ... (yes, a success, i look 'too skinny' to funny old men ... score) and he tried to force feed me his 'healthy' vegetarian sandwich at that. He said i had too many bones ... this man is atleast 70, and i'm just to protest i am not TOO skinny, and no, i didn't actually eat his sandwich (but i looked good) ... and yes, i shouldn't be longing for bones. but instead for more active days. but, besides that's the point, things could be worse. and it feels ... alright.

THE BINGE QUEEN.

2006-08-06T20:34:01Z

I kind of freaked out last night.

I thought I was fine, no big deal, had a good day, went to the gym early, did the Target shopping, cleaned the house, and didn’t eat all day (but that’s normal)(I restrict everyday).

But, then, upon night…yea the binge Queen revealed herself. I guess I had been good and happy all day because I just knew I’d be binging that night, I had just been waiting it out for the binge as soon as I woke up and got on the scale… I just knew it would happen, I was a good weight, and I would reward through a big ass binge, and I’d be happy, and the day would be worthwhile.

However, when it came time to chose (What do I binge? Where do I binge? Can I afford to binge?) I felt horribly GUILTY. For the first time in a long time, I felt like if I binged, I’d REGRET it and I would destroy everything I had been working for. Like my binge would be a MISTAKE. And, then the FEAR came.

[It was a good day, right?]
I was actually underweight for the first time in weeks … this is good…. And I wanted to reward myself, but the FEAR of losing it all again, of regretting my choices, it SLAMMED ME. Then I freaked out, feeling like:
But, I HAVE TO BINGE I NEED TO BINGE …. Agh!
I don’t want to get fat, I want to stay skinny,
But, I want to binge … until the world ends, damnit

And, I realized, I’m not so ‘recovered’ so ‘healthy’ so ‘not-crazy’ as I have been telling myself … I’m still sick, I am still nuts, I’m still obsessed, I’m still living with a MASSIVE eating disorder … And, yes I FEEL happier, look skinnier, and seem to be doing better … but I’m still not living a life. I’m sick as hell. I’m starving all day, and binging all night, this is not life. And, it’s okay with me?
This is a road of bullshit. But, I enjoy it.
IT IS SO TWISTED!! I revel in it, and I detest it!
Fuck, I’m confused with my own self.
If I had all the money in the world I’d never stop binging.
It’s the truth.

I DECIDED TO BINGE: not what I wanted originally, I’d just get carry-out, I’d take it down from my original craving to go out to a restaurant … and then the carry-out became a carry-out MADHOUSE (2 Salads, Corn on the Cob 12 Garlic Rolls, 1 Pint of Ranch, Butter, 2 Sushi Rolls, Domino’s Cheese Bread, More Ranch Dressing, Ice Cream Galore, Starbucks Lemon Loafs, Crumble Coffee Cake, and Snickerdoodle Cookies …. Um, yes that’s BINGE and that was ‘scaled’ down) HA

I went to pick up my carry-out/take-out binge festival … and BOOM: of course: I saw old friends,
I haven’t seen them since I went crazy and dropped off the Earth, more than a year ago,

She looked FANTASTIC. SHE WAS SO TINY. Like a beautiful rail of BCBG glory … She was so happy to see me, and I remembered, where it all came from, the roots of the ED.
The pressure to stay beautiful, skinny as hell, and fun … and be the perfect girlfriend. She was PERFECTION. She kept saying I looked good, BUT SHE LOOKED GREAT.

Sure, I'm underweight today, I thought, but she's SO TINY. So beautiful. If I am 107 lbs, she must be 97... Damn, I was 97 lbs when I went CRAZY and she doesn't seem crazy, she seems so HAPPY ... Damn, I wasn't happy that skinny, I wasn't strong enough... I'm still recovering and I'm here on a 'skinny' day, damn why is she so NOT SICK. And here I am binging, and she's out with her famous boyfriend, and I LOVE HER for it ... what's wrong with me? You barely underweight sick girl, the binge Queen ... why doesnt she need to binge, and she is here eating with friends and FANTASTIC and here I am picking up a binge

I actually wasn’t upset I saw friends, I always have to be prepared, and It wasn’t bad, but I hoped I looked good enough, I was happy I wasn’t pigging out at the restaurant and interrupted my old, perfect friends … God, mortifying, it would have been my nightmare … And I went on to pick up the rest of my binge-festival … after I saw them. The roots of the ED, I remembered it all.

Yes, I realized, as the binge Queen appeared, I am still very sick.
And, I wonder, will I ever be better? Normal?
Living ‘normal’ life again? Will I ever not be sick? And, alone?

VENT

2006-07-05T23:09:03Z

uuuuuuuuuuuuh. i hate my city: los angeles. i have enough of my own self doubt.
constantly hating on my body, seeing where it needs improvement, wishing it were different.

and here, it doesn't ever end; JUDGMENT!!! every room i enter, every place i go eyes look me up from top to bottom judging my body! i have a fucking brain los angeles! i have a brain, and opinions, and personality, and clever big fantastic plans for my future: and it isn't just my fucking body that matters.

i have enough worries about my body everyday!! i have a fucking eating disorder, i starve, i starve i starve .... i binge, i binge ... i puuuuuurge. fuck! isn't that enough to worry about everyday - and it doesn't help that no matter where i go somebody else in this town is making me aware they are judging my body too.

1. im not skinny enough
2. im too short
3. my ass is too big
4. my thighs are too thick
5. my boobs don't exist
6. i'm too cute, not beautiful enough

fuck, sometimes i feel pretty, somedays i feel downright plain nasty and ugly. los angeles doesn't ever make it any easier: why is it acceptable to judge a woman as simply appearance worth!? i have so much more, and i feel like that just doesn't matter here. at the end of a day, it is enough to make me want to scream 'fuck the world' and do something else.
uuuuuuuuuh. i can't handle anymore ups and downs,
and why do girls thrive on competition!!! i compete with myself every damn day ...
AND johnnys gone? this is just TOO TOO TOO MUCH to take. WAKE UP WORLD and see beyond my body!!!
WAKE UP FUCKING LOS ANGELES: there is more in life than body size and pretty faces! fuck you LA.
(( SORRY FOR THE VENT!)) (LA gets me down somedays)

kittykittenlane @ 2006-06-26T08:03:00

2006-06-26T08:04:07Z

While waiting for a layover in the airport today, I saw a real attractive older woman, very simply put together, very fit, very skinny - she looked great and certainly she didn’t resemble the other women her age in the room. Maybe she was 55 maybe? 50? older?

She had me thinking - what will my life be like when I am her age.

What will life be if I keep this body obsession up and driving my day? Will I ever let it all go, will I ever be traveling on a Sunday afternoon with my husband, all the while looking skinny and fit, healthy but overall hot?
Living life well but looking my best.

Sofar, it hasn’t been easy to live life so carefree while driven to madness to make my body please my standards of what is good enough for me.

Point is: she looked fantastic, she looked skinnnnny. And I’ll be the first to admit, I liked it. I thought - now does she have any eating issues? Does she eat anymore? She’s awful skinny. Does she even worry about it?

So, down the road, I wouldn't still be running in and out to the toilets. Would I? That’s disgusting! Right? (But I seem to let it slide now don’t I – there is always a valid excuse) For an older adult though? It seems so immature, something i could be very 'over' doing years from now, and it certainly isn't a 'classy' habit is it?

I couldn't stand myself checking my weight like this everyday of my life for the next thirty odd years. Binging on silly comfort foods to calm my nerves. Starving all week to feel good and have a nice weekend out and about. Having a husband, cooking family meals, traveling together, vacationing and maybe even having kids and grandkids.,.. All the while with a crippling Ed?

It just wouldn’t work, would it?

Will I freak out if I miss a workout as I am older, will I eat and not worry? will I have to remain just this abstinent from food all my life? Will i eat what I want? I sure hoping fuck I can eat what I want, ‘when I grow up’ one day.

I sure don't want to be the mom who is also the bulimic, or better fucking yet the grandmother, who is also the bulimic.

Not to mention the freak-show of a mom who is a seriously neurotuc anorexic, never eating with her family, always avoiding food, picking at her kids plates and scaring her own children by her ‘off’ beat habits.

It’s hard to think about the future when it's often so uncertain. Nothing is definite; I am the first to realize that.

I can’t imagine living life much longer obsessed with my weight, letting it control my days. Thinking about food – when I’ll eat and what I would have if I did eat and with whom I’d share a meal with. Meanwhile, constantly on the pursuit to being the smallest girl in the room, with the biggest eyes in the mirror.

Maybe I won’t have kids. Maybe it wasn’t my purpose.

the point: now i look like a little girl usually, and i am a woman already. I wonder when will I truly want to own up to looking like a woman?

If ever.