Psychologists call my approach to life (or my approach to my eating disorder): the abstinence-violation effect. It is a harsh all-or-nothing attitude about our behavior (or in my case my ed). The more we hold ourselves to this rigid standard, the more we abuse ourselves. Apparently it isn't because I am weak or undisciplined but instead because I give into self-sabotage easily. It takes mental preparation, self-awareness, and lots of practice to make a change and create new behaviors in life - six to nine months brain scientist say.
To bad my mentality doesn’t allow room for failure or mistakes. I’d rather fuck the whole lot up then start something and decide I’m not good enough to finish it. Perfectionism is overrated, so when I got sick of always aiming for better and closer to perfect I just became straight up idle and discouraged and then NOTHING changed.
Wish I had found your journal sooner...it appears to be exactly what I look for when reading journals - bulimia centered and insightful. I have the same black and white thinking...and loser mentality about giving up if I can't succeed on my own terms.
Ahhh ... you're too nice tonight. But, I’m happy you've found a journal that speaks to you a little ... bulimia centered but insightful could, in other words, be a metaphor for my own life. Yikes. I’ve always admired your attitude ... so maybe it's simply because we're similar and we share the same kind of mind.
Thanks for taking note of me tonight.