Weak · Bones · Speaks

No matter what when I wake up I still have bulimia
Besides the fact that last night I had serious re-discoveries that bulimia is playing a HUGE part in my do-nothing, achieve-nothing, go-nowhere current phase of life. Besides the fact that bulimia IS the MAIN reason I have no money in my checking account or my savings account. Besides the fact that I typically go to bed truly hoping things will be different in life and that maybe I’ll start having something to SHOW for new motivation.
Besides all these things when I wake up I am still dehydrated, hungry, starving, in pain because I am so empty, and already questioning what I can eat/binge/purge and when I can do it.

No matter that I have depleted ALL my $ yet again.
No matter that yesterday I spent close to $125 on BINGING.
(At least it’s $125 divided by 2 people)(I’m only justifying it here)
No matter that I'm a 22 year old girl (22 and a half on April 30th)
... with NO responsibilities.
No matter that my mom pays my rent, my car note
... and I don't have a cell phone.
No matter that I am as far away from my goals and dreams as ever
... and it's been MORE that 2 years.
No matter that I have very little to call my own
... including my own place or car.

No matter if I slept for 9 hours last night.
No matter that I am 102.8 pounds today.
No matter that today is the day I’d like to make changes.

I’m still bulimic.
I’m still poverty stricken by my own choices.
I've still lost 2 important years of my life for nothing.
I’m still lost for direction.
I’m still waiting
… but for WHAT

No matter what I still hope today will be the day.

NO MATTER WHAT I decide, discover, admit to myself, and put my heart into at night.... When I wake up I am still an anorexic girl with bulimia.